Losing my Dad Twice

My Dad died late September last year, one month after I moved away for school. It wasn’t sudden, in fact it was expected and even welcomed at that point in his journey. He had an aggressive form of brain cancer that was found suddenly a year and a half before his death. This cancer was much like most cancers, chipping away at his body until there was little strength left. But unlike other cancers this changed his mind. After emergency surgery in May 2019 he was never the same. He was paralyzed on the left side of his body which worsened with time. He never fully walked again. He was bed ridden while his mind quickly slipped away into madness. By the end, he was placed in palliative care, unable to hold a conversation or lift a spoon. He was gone long before his death, but my family continued to visit and act as if the man that was sitting in that bed was the same intelligent man that taught me to dream, learn and achieve. I haven’t given myself time to dwell. I find it hard to sit with these feelings of sadness so I push them away and distract myself. I just want to talk to someone who has gone through what I have and understands the deep pain that comes with watching someone you love with all your heart dealing with death and losing themselves.