Post by sydellalala on Aug 19, 2019 7:09:05 GMT
My dad died on June 27th, 2019. But, the truth is that i lost him in 2007.
During my early years in life, he was my everything. My hero, my protector, my best friend, my daddy.
That later changed into my abuser (physical and mental), the villain, someone i became afraid of seeing in public.
He's the person i wanted most in my life and the person i wanted most out of my life. He was great, he was terrible.
When he died of a massive heart attack, i was only able to focus on the good things about him and i miss him so much. Part of him died a long time ago when he left, we he became an addict, when he turned his back in his family and kids, when he manipulated and abused everyone around him.
I was never able to mourn him until recently because he was still alive, and now i can and im lost in this grief.
I think grief is directly tied to how much you wanted someone in your life, and i wanted him so badly to be in mine.
I wanted him home when he was on the road (he was a truck driver), i wanted him at my school dances and my dates, i wanted him at my baby shower and prom, i wanted him at my graduation my childs birth, i wanted him to help me move and learn to drive, i wanted him to teach me to change my tires and oil and brakes. I wanted him and i still want him. He chose to he away before, and its not a choice now. I always thought that would help but it doesnt.
Idk, im tired and sad. My body never lets me cry and so i have all this stuff inside me and nothing to do with it, so i thought i would try this.
During my early years in life, he was my everything. My hero, my protector, my best friend, my daddy.
That later changed into my abuser (physical and mental), the villain, someone i became afraid of seeing in public.
He's the person i wanted most in my life and the person i wanted most out of my life. He was great, he was terrible.
When he died of a massive heart attack, i was only able to focus on the good things about him and i miss him so much. Part of him died a long time ago when he left, we he became an addict, when he turned his back in his family and kids, when he manipulated and abused everyone around him.
I was never able to mourn him until recently because he was still alive, and now i can and im lost in this grief.
I think grief is directly tied to how much you wanted someone in your life, and i wanted him so badly to be in mine.
I wanted him home when he was on the road (he was a truck driver), i wanted him at my school dances and my dates, i wanted him at my baby shower and prom, i wanted him at my graduation my childs birth, i wanted him to help me move and learn to drive, i wanted him to teach me to change my tires and oil and brakes. I wanted him and i still want him. He chose to he away before, and its not a choice now. I always thought that would help but it doesnt.
Idk, im tired and sad. My body never lets me cry and so i have all this stuff inside me and nothing to do with it, so i thought i would try this.