Recently lost my Mother

I lost my mother this November. I want to grieve, but I'm unable to. I spent much of my young adult life working as a Paramedic, and I learned to lock away grief back then. Now, my mother passes, and I'm frustrated because I'm unable to feel my loss. I refuse to keep any pictures of her. I feel like an emotionless robot. So many locked doors in my head, and I have to keys to unlock them. I'm always stuck in anger.